There once lived a Mongolian who resided in a small village just outside of the ancient city of Ulan Batar. This Mongolian, lets call him....Itgelious, was so epic, (just how epic was he you might ask?) was so epic that not even the sad sympathy parts of American Idol or Avitar during the "revolution" part could compare with just simply his cooking of hot dogs. Its been said that during total eclipses of the moon you can see the Gods weep in awe of him, people trembled when just uttering his name. People now carefully choose exaclty when they might even bring him up in conversation as his name strikes such emotion in the hearts of all.
His legendary hot dogs are the pinnacle, the ultimate competition, of the testing of human greatness. Thousands have tried to consume the legendary meal made by the very hands of Itgelious, thousands have failed. In fact not one person has ever passed the test and, though he has tried to cover up this fact, millions had died of unexplained causes from the smell of them alone.
Now, Itgelious was not a vengeful or war-like epic legend. He mostly kept to himself and played Wii until the daemons sent by what is now known to be the great and fearless tribes of Adriana, one of the most feared powers in the region had violently taken it. At this time only did Itgelious ever show his true awesomeness. The battle of Fabio Porno, named after the ruler of all of what is suave, was where the great war between the huge epic powers clashed.
It was thought in the beginning that Itgelious would swiftly out epic the lion hearted Adrianian tribe, but through a secret alliance with Fabio Porno, a surprise attack of a gigantic laser show playing death metal in the background, sharks fighting each other with light-sabers and men with gigantic mustaches riding woolly mammoths into the sky, Itgelious was out-done.
He lay in servitude for some say what was almost a thousand years, surviving on nothing but what he killed himself with his bare hands. In order to cook his food, Itgelious would yell so loud that the heat from the sun could be redirected to the area of his choosing. They say he even took down six T-rexs by a single blow on each with his non-dominant hand. Yes, Itgelious seemed to be preparing for something, but preparing for what?
For the last years of his time in the forest of the haunted, Itgelious would find sex mates of all kinds where it was passed on that with a simple blow of a kiss, the woman would orgasm 600 times. The women who participated in orgies with him sometimes died of spontaneous combustion from the epic-ness of his sex drive. It is carved into the great tree of spirits that for one week Itgelious had given over a thousand women orgasms with just the flick of his long shiny black locked hair.
In the very last years of his time in the forest, pondering the mysteries of the universe and applying it to himself, the legendary guru thought to be only a myth, Omeditas the wise, approached Itgelious and spoke to him in such a way that Itgelious himself was even overtaken by the guru's epic-ness. Omeditas had longed been thought to be responsible for the training of the great epic warriors in the past, Anthonisiuous, Ferdapitus, Vincent Phatavian, Anna the wicked, Wickatanicus, Darcious and the most fearful epic master of them all...Monty. Through countless hours of pyrotechnics, loud heavy metal music, gigantic explosions, half this half that roaring creatures, Chuck Norris films and Rocky Movies, Omeditas the wise turned Itgelious into what was said to rival even the epic of Monty. Omeditas left Itgelious with the philosphical idea now taught to every single child from very early on. He told him that his epic-ness could be fully unleashed whenever he himself, Itgelious, wanted-but that he find first find it to encompass it. When Itgelious asked Omeditas where he might find his true self epic-ness, Omeditas replied, "Sur Le Table."
Now that Fabio Porno and the great and fearless tribes of Adriana had only remained, the world lay in ruins. Pornography, sex toys and Italian men were everywhere....no one to protect the people, no one able to for that matter....until. Out of the sky came Itgelious riding a neon green flying unicorn, said to be fifty feet tall, with turret machine guns strapped on each side of the beast. Itgelious and his flying monster ravaged what was the majority of Fabio Porno and the great and fearless tribes of Adriana's empire until it became nothing but dust, literally. Fabio Porno was enraged and summoned 100,000 elephants with wrecking balls wrapped to their tusks, the Russian boxer from Rocky 5 and Liam Nesson. But Itgelious was prepared and summoned not 100,000, but ONE MILLION spartan warriors dressed in full knights uniforms holding razer sharp red AX guitars. He also called upon the "sounds bigger than a t-rex dinosaur" from Jurassic Park 3 who swallowed that dudes cellphone and ten of those "liquid metal" terminators from the 2nd film.
For days raged a gigantic dino-battle of epic proportions. The Russian boxer with his super-strength punches incinerated the terminators into another dimension with one huge knock out, so epic time slowed down and everyone watched it in slow motion. Because of some psychological instinct to fuck shit up, Liam Nesson died almost instantly looking for his daughter who wasn't there rather than fighting the giant dinosaur who also died of exhaustion and severe anxiety due to the many times where it would clearly kill Liam Nesson yet he would somehow not die. The Spartans eventually defeated Fabio's army and it's elephants with their brutal sandal kicks, knocking the enemy down a gigantic well conveniently placed at the battle ground. They then raced towards the evil empire controlled by a 40 year old guy who sells porn in a small town in Sicily.
Fabio Porno screamed, "Issa-too-mucha!" as him and his allies were outnumbered, out epic-ed and defeated. It is said that when Itgelious approached the bleeding Fabio Porno who lay bruised and bloody on the steps of his ancient looking palace dressed in a robe simply to be more dramatic, he muttered the following-infamous-words universal in all cultures of the world.....DAMNI TELECOMANDO!
THE END
By Anthony Bevilacqua
